You and me and everyone else in the world have one thing guaranteed in common - we are all great storytellers. We create stories every single day of our lives. We create stories to better understand who we are and why we are here in this life. We create stories about the people we interact with, how they perceive us (and how we perceive ourselves) and why other people (and ourselves) behave the way that they/we do. We then take these narratives and use them as a foundation to explain all of the other happenings of our lives, as well as the lives of others. Usually these stories have some basis in fact, but they are often (if not always) embellished and expanded upon. How we fill in the unknowns between facts is HEAVILY influenced by the narrative we hold of our personal story. These stories are heavily biased and usually stem from only one perspective without consideration for other perspectives or interpretations.
Any story is powerful, because words are powerful - and they end up shaping our present and our futures. The stories we tell ourselves end up becoming our future. We become our story.
Our stories can spiral out of control. They have a snowball effect. And before we know it, they are being repeated day in and day out and they become our reality. If you’re constantly telling yourself the story that you “can’t do it”, you’ll “always be this way” or that you “have no willpower” well then this ends up being what you believe and it dictates how you feel and show up in the world.
These stories show up in our bodies - they manifest as physical feelings and sensations. Think about when we say our “heart aches” or we’re “carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders” - the body hears these thoughts and manifests them as a physical pain. And you better believe that this holds true for the negative self-narratives you have told yourself about yourself over the years.
WHAT AM I THINKING?
I hear about these physical and emotional manifestations of stories all the time from clients. I hear their frustration with not being able to control how much or how little they eat. I hear their shame with not being able to follow through with goals they have set for themselves. No matter what they do they struggle with motivating themselves to a place of action. Why is this?
Well it all boils down to the fact that, out of the many things we can’t control in our lives (such as other people, our pasts, all the external things happening in the rest of the world) we CAN control ourselves including our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings, our actions and our results. All of these things are within our control. Let that sink in for a moment.
Circumstances are not within our control, but everything else is. As much as we might like to be able to control other people and their actions, that’s simply not possible. And yet everything within our present experience is within our control - how we think, how we feel, how we act. And this is especially true in regards to what we decide to think, how we think about our conscious thoughts constantly going through our minds - despite what you might be thinking right now, these are absolutely within our control.
So often we end up being in a place of reaction rather than reflection. We forget that we are in control and instead of reflecting on our thoughts, we are too distracted by immediately reacting to them that we forget to pause for this awareness.
So you might be saying, okay, but big deal, why does this even matter? Well it REALLY matters because our thoughts are the foundations for our feelings and emotions. As humans, almost everything we do in life is done because we want to feel a certain way. So knowing that every feeling we experience is born out of a thought, doesn’t it make it vitally important to know what we’re thinking?
So our thoughts create our feelings. The second layer to this is that once our feelings are created by these thoughts, then this provides the impetus for driving our actions. Every action we take is fueled by our feelings, which in turn are born from our thoughts. For example, say you struggle with eating when you’re not hungry. If I were to ask you, why aren’t you stopping yourself from eating when you’re not physically hungry, what is the answer? It’s because of the way you feel. Oh I was bored, or I was sad or I felt guilty for not eating when Aunt SuziQ spent all day making the cake for Grandma’s birthday, etc. Your feelings drive your actions, just like your thoughts drive your feelings. And ultimately this leads to the fact that the actions you take in life are what end up creating results. Of course we could take this a step further and realize that if our thoughts are creating feelings that cause inaction, then this can hinder achievement of the results we might desire.
So you may be wondering at this point, okay - I get that thoughts create feelings which fuel action/inaction. But what creates our thoughts? How do we change what we are thinking so we can change our subsequent feelings and actions? Well I’m so glad you asked! ;)
It takes practice to observe our own thinking and compassionately witness our thoughts, but I highly encourage giving yourself the space and opportunity to do so. Think of this activity as if you’re watching your mind from a separate space, just like if you were watching a movie on TV. As difficult as it may sound or initially feel, we must separate ourselves from our mind in order to watch ourselves think.
It’s estimated that we have over 60,000 thoughts in a day. SIXTY THOUSAND thoughts PER DAY. That’s a lot of thinking! And we can’t stop our minds from thinking, that’s what they do. What we CAN do is notice and reflect on our thoughts without automatically believing they are true - just because we think something doesn’t mean it is true.
Once we start noticing our thinking minds and the messages our thoughts are giving us, we can connect how these thoughts manifest our feelings and subsequent actions or inactions - when we reflect upon our minds as unbiased observers we can answer our question of why we are seeing the results or lack thereof that we are getting or not getting in our lives.
Being able to reflect on your thinking mind is a personal power and is one you have access to every moment of your life. It is much more challenging to make lasting changes by trying to shift your actions without shifting the thoughts that are driving your actions. It’s one reason why you may try to implement a change or shift in behavior over and over again without success.
Discovering the why of what we do, what is causing our habits and patterns, makes implementing change a much easier and achievable action. Blaming or shaming yourself into action DOESN’T WORK. Blame and shame stem from a place of feeling less than and this is not a feeling we want to perpetuate. So we must identify what is causing the feelings of blame and shame (or whatever other feelings we may be feeling) so we can reframe the thought to produce a new feeling.
So how do we rewrite the stories we’ve told ourselves and likely believed all these years?
You start by identifying the fact. This helps us to shift our stories from fiction to nonfiction. And we can do this by removing the emotional meaning that we have attached to the thoughts or stories we have created. So we start with the hard facts and rewrite our story from there.
So you begin with the fact. Maybe the fact is your favorite pants don’t button anymore.
And then reflect on the story that has been attached to this fact. Maybe that story is that you are too fat because your pants don’t fit anymore, therefore you are worthless and unlovable because no one will take you seriously or enjoy being with you if you’re fat.
Then take a look at the concrete evidence so you can examine the story objectively. Does nobody take you seriously or enjoy being with or around you? Probably not. Do you know people who were larger sizes of pants who are in loving and happy relationships (either with themselves or others)? Absolutely!
So then check in with yourself and consider an alternative explanation. Huh, maybe my pants aren’t the right size for me; if I got pants that fit me well and make me feel comfortable, maybe my outlook would be different.
You then open the door to write a new narrative. Whether or not my pants fit doesn’t measure my worth or lovability. I am lovable and a catch just as I am!
And then you take new actions based on your new narrative. By believing you are lovable and an enjoyable person to be around, you will likely start acting more social, vivacious and approachable which will inevitably attract others.
See how powerful this rewriting of your narrative can be?
CHALLENGING THE NARRATIVE
Negative self-talk can be nefarious and pervasive. Have you ever caught yourself saying something negative or critical about yourself - whether that be about your appearance, skillset, or actions - either out loud to others to just internally to yourself? I don’t know about you, but man this can feel harsh! It’s truly amazing how MEAN we can be to ourselves. And much of this negative self-talk involves things that we would never ever say to or about someone else!
Anytime you say something hurtful, demeaning or critical to or about yourself is defined as negative self-talk. Usually this type of talk involves “I can’t...” or “I hate…” or “I am (fill in the derogatory descriptives)” statements. It’s truly unfortunate how pervasive this type of talk is in our society nowadays - and I argue it has only been encouraged by diet culture and its promotion of highly specific and often unattainable ideals. This negative self-talk is not only highly detrimental to the person saying it, but when others around you hear these comments, they end up reflecting on their own bodies and perceived faults and flaws with a more critical eye too.
Shifting the way you communicate with yourself is a powerful way to nourish your health, food and body relationships - and it can have a profound effect on how you show up for yourself and choose to move and feed your body. When we speak negatively about or to ourselves, we tend to internalize it and we start to make food and movement decisions that reflect and support that narrative. When we believe ourselves to be unworthy of happiness and health, we try to prove that belief right and do the things that will encourage us to not be healthy or happy.
Our thoughts and beliefs are POWERFUL. How you talk to yourself influences how comfortable you feel and act in your own skin. And because our words have so much power, choosing to talk to and about ourselves in a more positive way is self-empowerment at its finest!
When you start talking to yourself with the love, kindness, respect and compassion you hold for others, you will start to treat your body with more love, kindness, respect and compassion. And by breaking out of the negative-talk narrative, you will likely influence those around you to do the same.
So how do we start to break these negative narratives?
Well, the first step is to simply notice the negative self-talk when it happens. Become conscious to how you speak to yourself and get curious about why you do so. When we engage in negative self-talk it tends to fuel even more negative self-talk, so catching yourself early in this cycle is key. Sometimes keeping a written log of these thoughts can help you to notice these thinking patterns and get clarity around what encourages their occurrence. Plus when we put these thoughts to paper they tend to lose some of their power.
The next step is to challenge the negative thought! Ask yourself, is this true? Can I know with 100% certainty that it’s true? Probably not. Often when we take a moment to question a negative thought, we realize that much of the thought is irrational or illogical with only a hint of truth at best. By challenging it, you’re teaching your brain to not just simply accept any ol thought that comes roaring through. Challenging a thought gives you the opportunity to notice its inaccuracies and exaggerations. And when you start focusing on the facts rather than the emotions the thought causes, you can better support yourself in shifting your behaviors and thinking practices.
It can also be helpful to ask yourself if what you are thinking is something you would say to a child, or a friend, or that you’d be able to argue with evidence in a court of law. More often than not, the answer is a resounding NO.
Along with this strategy, you can also ask yourself more challenging questions to help arm yourself with facts and help yourself shift your thinking into more neutral, constructive, or even positive thoughts instead.
Shifting your negative self-talk boils down to this: practice shifting your focus away from the negative feelings created by the thoughts so you can, instead, more clearly evaluate the facts of the thought. Usually by doing so you can start to build evidence that deconstructs negative self-talk and builds positive self-talk in its place.
As part of this shifting of narrative, I encourage you to practice complimenting yourself - both internally and to others - from time to time. Give yourself credit for all of the amazing things you do and are. Consider keeping a list of your positive attributes and qualities and look over it when you find you could use a little reminder of how awesome you are!
COMPLIMENT #1: __________________________________________________________________________________
COMPLIMENT #2: __________________________________________________________________________________
Remember a negative mind does not lead to a positive life. However, I want to emphasize that having negative thoughts and feelings isn’t a bad thing - it’s natural and to be expected from time to time depending on life circumstances. It’s important to feel the spectrum of emotions, and this includes those more negative ones.
What we instead want to do here is to honor the emotion being felt, be aware and present with it, invite it in - and then release it so you can continue forward. When you hold space for your emotional experience - regardless of where those emotions lie on the spectrum - you hold space for acknowledging why they are present, and if they happen to be present from unhelpful toxic beliefs or negative self-talk, then this is something to notice and practice shifting.
The way we start this shift is through curiously and consciously noticing the narratives we tell ourselves and how our feelings and behaviors are influenced by them.
Let’s take a look, shall we?
HOW MY STORY SHAPES ME: AN ALTERNATIVE EXPLANATION
At the end of your day, I encourage you to reflect on the stories and narratives you have held and experienced and ask yourself the following questions:
How do the stories that I tell myself shape how I feel about my body, my eating & my relationship with myself?
When did I first start telling myself this story about who I am? Is it a new story or a very old story? Is there a different interpretation or perspective of this story and origin experience that I haven’t considered before?
SO WHAT CAN be done?
So what can you do to change your thoughts? When you have a thought, begin by taking an empowered pause, step back and observe the current experience causing you frustration. Maybe it’s emotional eating, or inability to weight balance, or lack of motivation to exercise or run errands or make dinner. Whatever the situation, take a moment so you can reflect on the experience with CURIOSITY and INTEREST and COMPASSION in order to reflect on WHY you do what you do.
And when you have a thought, ask yourself the following four questions so you can challenge yourself to shift and reframe your thoughts - remember, just because you think something doesn’t automatically make it true. Yet so often we get stumped by a thought that inadvertently becomes a belief and our truth - yet it doesn’t have to; you have the power to change it!
If you are unfamiliar with Byron Katie, she has coined a technique called The Work - this is a phenomenal way to discern whether or not a thought is true. The Work consists of the following four questions:
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I feel when I think or believe that thought?
And who would I be without the thought?
This final question helps to give you a glimpse into who your true self is underneath your thinking mind.
Now the next step of this process is to turn your original thought around so you think the opposite of your original thought:
“I’m not worthy” → “I’m worthy”
“I don’t deserve to eat this” → “I do deserve to eat this”
“I am ugly” → “I am beautiful”
“I can’t do _______” → “I can do _______”
By turning your thoughts around you are cultivating your thoughts and allowing your brain to recognize and solidify new thought patterns, reestablishing your control over your thinking mind.
We must approach our wellness journey with compassion and curiosity and it’s only when we give ourselves the space to do so that our truths are revealed and we can learn to trust ourselves.
Just notice; softly, curiously, non-judgmentally pay attention. Start there and allow your relationship with your thinking mind to flourish.
Mind Mapping My Thoughts & Feelings
Repeat after me:
My Circumstance → My Thoughts → My Feelings → My Behaviors → My Outcomes
Consider this for a moment. Often the way you experience and respond/react to a situation is due to thoughts you have in that moment. If you are in the practice of curiously observing your thoughts, you can more consciously respond - rather than react - to the circumstance you find yourself in.
Mapping your thoughts and the emotions that they cause can be an incredibly insightful experience. Everything you do in life stems from a feeling you had that encouraged the action/behavior you took to take place. And every feeling you have is born from a thought you think.
When you consider how this applies to self-nourishment and eating, it can be helpful to identify circumstances and situations where you have felt the urge to eat in some disordered way (whether it be to restrict, emotionally eat, binge, diet, etc.). Mapping your thoughts and emotions at these times can provide useful insights and more awareness of your present experience.
Utilize the process below to map out your current thoughts and how they encourage your emotional experience, your behaviors in response to these emotions, and the outcomes that arise from your behaviors.
FIRST: NOTICE CURRENT THOUGHT PATTERNS
Identify the circumstance.
What is the thought that you’re thinking in this moment?
What do you feel after thinking this thought?
What action or behavior does this feeling encourage you to engage in?
What outcome comes from this behavioral action?
SECOND: FLIP THE SCRIPT & REWRITE THE THOUGHT PATTERNS
Identify the circumstance & original thought-emotion-behavior-outcome.
What outcome would you like to have instead?
What action or behavior would help you to manifest this outcome?
What feeling encourages this action or behavior?
What thought encourages this feeling?
THIRD: COMPARE YOUR OLD THOUGHTS WITH YOUR NEW ONES
How do they differ?
How are they similar?
What is my reaction to the new thought versus to the original?
Identifying the new thought helps your mind to consider an alternative way of thinking about the circumstance or scenario you find yourself in. This approach can help you to rewrite your current subconscious thought patterns that influence habit building, self-talk, and willingness to make changes.
